133) This has got us all stumped
"THAT'S A LOVELY IRISH ACCENT...WHERE'S
IT FROM?"
132) The sequel everyone's been waiting
for
"WHAT'S THAT NEW BOOK BY THOMAS
HARRIS....'HANNIBAL HECTOR'?"
131) No shortage of sleeping berths on
this one
"I SAW A LARGE FOUR-POSTER SAILING
UP THE RIVER THIS MORNING" (Tall Ships)
130) Nothing much gets past me
"I CAN READ YOU LIKE A FOX"
129) Too drunk to bother
"YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T BE RAT-ARSED
WALKING ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE"
128) A financial deal worthy of Fergus
McCann
"WALLACE IS THE BEST BUY RANGERS
HAVE HAD THIS SEASON" (He was a free transfer)
127) Upon noticing that a female
colleague who was eating an apple, had dripped
some apple
juice on her sleeve
"YOU'RE A SLUT" (nb Collins Dictionary
defines a "slut" as a "dirty woman")
126) An electrifying experience
"IS THAT CONCERT ON AT THE SSEB?"
125) Maybe it was actually poached Mermaid?
"WE WENT FOR A MEAL AND MY WIFE
HAD BREAST OF SALMON"
124) Pick a number between 3 and
5
"HOW MANY QUARTERS ARE IN THIS
GAME?"
123) Just doo it
"WE DON'T WANT THE TEAMS SIMPLY
FOLLOWING THIS PIGEON FASHION"
122) Why-Why analysis for pessimists
"IF YOU EVER TRY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM
OF THE PROBLEM, YOU'LL NEVER FIX IT.
121) Alex visits Dublin's well-known landmark
on O'Connell street
"THE WUMMIN IN THE JACUZZI"
120) Barnes Wallis promotes his "bouncing-bomb"
idea to the War Cabinet predicting its
impact
upon the German war effort
"WHEN THE DAM BURSTS
THE SHIT WILL REALLY HIT THE FAN"
119) The follow up to their first
film demonstrating the long-term effects of Autism?
"I WATCHED THAT DUSTIN
HOFFMAN/TOM CRUISE MOVIE LAST NIGHT...IT WAS CALLED WETMAN"
118) The potential for failure definitely
exists
"I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
-- IF WE DON'T COME UP THINGMAE, WE'LL COME UP SHITEY"
117) Has it been poorly reassembled?
"DOES THAT MEAN IT'S
ARSE FAE ELBOW?"
116) If I don't get some mascara
I won't have a leg to stand on
"MY DAUGHTER WORKS
IN A COSMETICS FIRM -- THEY MAKE ARTIFICIAL LIMBS"
(see #112)
115) Robert De Niro's script writers
mave a meeting to discuss the title
of his
new movie on the life of Jake La Motta
"HE COMES DOWN HERE
LIKE A, LIKE A.....RAGING BEAR!"
114) The electrician who watched
one too many episodes of the X-files
"WE NEED TO REPAIR
THESE EARTHLING STRAPS"
113) Columbus and Sir Francis Drake
meet after a long separation
"WE'RE LIKE SHIPS THAT
PASS IN THE WIND"
112) The World's Worst Prosthetics
salesman eyes up a potential client
"LOOK AT THAT POOR
GIRL - SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM, IT'S CUT OFF AT THE KNEE"
111) The stress gave him piles rather
than ulcers
"THE GUY HAS BUST A
BUTT GETTIN THIS FIXED"
110) A simple pareto
"LET'S ELIMINATE THE
ONE BIGGIES"
109) Alex fails the audition for
President of the Beatles' fab club
"PLEASE, PLEASE ME
DO" (sung by Alex to the tune of "Love me do")
108) Ann Summers helps the Spice
Girls with a personal problem
"...YOU MEAN BATTERIES
FOR DILL DOLLS ?"
107) A ventriloquist who hasn't
quite got the hang of it
"I WHISPERED TO HER
OUT THE SIDE OF MY VOICE"
106) The bit in the middle
which other people throw away
"I LIKE TO SUCK A POLO
MINT UNTIL THE HOLE DISAPPEARS"
105) BBC2's Food and Drink
programme goes topless !
"I ALSO LIKE A WEE
GLASS OF CABRIOLET"
104) We'd run out of knives, and
anyway you were facing the wrong way
"THAT'S ANOTHER ARROW
IN THE CHEST"
103) Having first laid them on the
table ?
"I'VE NAILED MY CARDS
TO THE BOARD"
102) Accountant of the year
"IT'S LIKE PAYING PETER
TO TAKE IT TO PAUL!"
101) Nurse, nil by mouth for this
patient please
"PAT WENT TO THE BURNS
SUPPER AND NEVER DRANK A SAUSAGE"
100) Sod's law
"ODDS AND PIECES"
99) We just can't seem to get those
stationary ones any more
"WHAT YE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
IS...THE PENDULUM HAS MOVED"
98) The editor from "Caravanning
Today" talks to a neighbour
"HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR
CAR ? I SAW A NEW MAISONETTE OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE"
97) Carbonated perspiration
"THE SWEAT'S BELCHING
OUT OF ME"
96) Alex, do you like Luther Vandross
?
"NO...WHO IS SHE ?"
95) And rollocks to you too
"HE'S GOING TO GET
A ROCKETING"
94) More than you could fit into
a can
"A BAG OF WORMS"
93) He needs no introduction
"WHIT'S ALISTAIR'S
NAME ?"
92) Koo's brother changes his name
"ANDY STACK"
91) Also enclosed were a small apple,
a pencil case, and Monday's homework
"I BOUGHT SOME TABLETS
FROM THE CHEMIST -- THEY WERE IN A WEE SATCHEL"
90) Not as romantic as the rose/thorns
analogy, but effective none-the-less
"TALKING TO THE PAIR
OF YOU, I'M LIKE THE MEAT BETWEEN TWO ROLLS"
89) How to confuse a Haddows' sales
assistant
"WHAT IS THE NAME OF
THAT WINE THE MONKS MAKE...BUCKS FIZZ ?"
88) An enjoyable trip, but the connecting
flights are a bit long
"WE'D LIKE TO TOUR
THE UNITED STATES I.E. SAN FRANCISCO, GRAN CANARIA..."
87) The gambling capital of the world
signor
"... AND THEN ON TO
LOS VEGAS"
86) Non-linear output
"DRABS AND DRABBLES"
85) Daily production report for sado-masochists
"HAVE YOU GOT TODAY'S
WHIP711 ?"
84) A type of communications meetings
for people from Bearsden
"A COFFEE KLETCH"
83) Prior to landing on the slates
"THE BA'S OOT THE WINDAE"
82) Cockney rhyming slang for Buddy
rich fans
"LOOK AT THE JAZZ ARSE
ON THAT ONE"
81) Michael Landon expands his farming
business into other areas
"THE LITTLE WHOREHOUSE
ON THE PRAIRIE"
80) And now one of my favourite singers
"I MEANT TO SAY THE
'BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS'...YOU KNOW THAT FILM
WITH DOLLY PARKINS
IN IT"
79) A model process
"...THEN WE CAN STOP
TWIGGING THE FURNACE"
78) The living-room carpet's covered
in creosote
"HE LIVES IN A SEMI-DETACHED
HOUSE WITH A FENCE RIGHT ROUND IT"
77) All above board
"THERE'S NO HOOKERY
POOKERY GOING ON"
76) Finding them comes later
"HE'S ONLY FEELING
HIS FEET JUST NOW"
75) Having a sexual penchant for
large ladies.
"HE'S GOT A FATISH"
74) A REALLY low calorie diet
"WE'VE BEEN LOSING
PEOPLE THROUGH NUTRITION"
73) I can see clearly now
"IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER
YOUR EYES"
72) The lead guitarist in Tangerine
Dream
"MY GRANNY USED TO
BE IN A BAND -- SHE PLAYED THE MANDARIN"
71) Henderson ? Nixon ? Davies ?
"ENGINEERS HAVE BEEN
DICKYING ABOUT WITH IT"
70) Maintenance personnel wear Leiderhausen
instead of overalls ?
"I'VE GOT IT RUNNING
BUT ONLY BY THE SKIN OF MY PANTS"
69) In perfect working order -- or
so it's rumoured
"I HAD IT GOING LIKE
A WEE SWEETIE-WIFE"
68) A really quick presentation
"WE NEED TO ATTEND
THESE RUNOUTS"
67) Having missed the fan altogether
?
"WHEN THE SHIT HITS
THE WALL"
66) The spokeman for the 1996 Year
of the Disabled
"IS IT 'DUMB AND DEAF',
OR 'DEAF AND DUMB' -- ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER,
HE COULDN'T TALK OR
SPEAK"
65)The prognosis isn't too good
"HE HAS AN APPOINTMENT
TOMORROW FOR AN AUTOPSY"
64) Appraisals for Klondyke prospectors
"THAT'S PART OF THEIR
GOLDEN OBJECTIVES"
63) First time on Jellies for Bill
Clinton ?
"WE NEED TO WATCH WE
DON'T SET A PRESIDENT BY DOING THIS"
62) Not overly difficult
"THAT WAS QUITE SIMPLE
WITHOUT BEING TOO COMPLICATED"
61) Not so much head-to-head as chest-to-chest
?
"LET'S HAVE A TIT-A-TAT"
60) This problem doesn't smell right
"LET'S USE A WISHBONE
DIAGRAM"
59) A less than impartial judge in
the early stages of the Miss World contest
"I'VE GOT THE HEATS
FOR YOU"
58) A Jewish shopping trip gets off
to a bad start...
"WE'RE GOING UP TO
GLASGOW TO SPEND A FEW SHACKLES"
57) Overly keen...
"CHAPPING AT THE BIT"
56) Don King (Tyson's manager) was
convicted of murder wasn't he ?...
"..YES, AND HE GOT
AWAY WITH IT !"
55) We need to be really careful...
"WE DON'T WANT TO BURY
A HOLE FOR OURSELVES"
54) Ok -- who wasn't really careful
then ?!...
"WE'VE BUILT A BIG
HOLE FOR OURSELVES"
53) Real scotsmen drink this...
"IS THAT McCAFFERTY'S
BEER YOU'RE ON ?"
52) Funeral for a "friend" ?...
"OH, YOU WERE AT A
FUNERAL, WAS IT SOMEONE YOU KNEW ?"
51) Flying in the face of danger...
"HE WOULDN'T SAY BOO
TO A BUDGIE"
50) Having carried out a time and
motion study, some advice for tourists
"THAT'S THE LONG WAY
TO CYCLE ROUND MILLPORT"
49) One of my favourite actors...
"TONY LEE CURTIS"
48) The Pope's an engineer...
"I HAVE DISPOSITION
TO STAY OUT LATE"
47) I'll state my case succinctly...
"I DON'T WANT TO MINCE
MY WORLDS"
46) I wasn't really surprised...
"YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED
ME DOWN WITH A FLAGPOLE"
45) A juvenile delinquent...
"SORRY I HAVEN'T DONE
IT YET, I AM DEFUNCT ON THIS ITEM"
44) A goliath of a show...
"DAVID AND HIS AMAZING
TECHNICOLOUR DREAMCOAT"
43) Pier appraisal...
"HE WAS TOLD TO TAKE
A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PLANK"
42) The big yin meets 007 ?...
"THAT SEAN CONNOLLY'S
MY FAVOURITE ACTOR"
41) A legendary planning and logistics
system...
"WHAT'S THE MYTHOLOGY
BEHIND THIS ?"
40) A noisy decision maker...
"WE NEED TO MAKE A
JUDGEMENT SHOUT"
39) Life is for loving ?...
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
IT FOR THE LOVE OF ME"
38) Shipped to a new job overseas...
"I HAD A MATE WHO NEARLY
WENT TO SOUTH AFRICA ON CONSIGNMENT"
37) On balance I definitely don't
believe this...
"VERY HIGHLY LIKELY"
36) Unconvinced a colleague is fully
reliable...
"I WOULDN'T TRUST HIM
AS FAR AS I COULD LOOK AT HIM"
35) Jimmy Knapp's version of Q1...
"FORD LOCOMOTIVE COMPANY"
34) An external meeting that was
less than successful...
"OFFSHITE"
33) A breast implant that results
in a pigeon chest...
"THE 350DOO"
32) Gold Blend xerox machine...
"A PHOTOCOFFEE"
31) We have yet to reach the end
of this particular journey...
"IT DOESN'T STOP TILL
THE FAT BOY STOPS SINGING"
30) To be expedited with extreme
urgency...
"HAND-WALK IT ROUND"
29) Failing the entrance exam for
Midwifery College...
"WIS IT A BOY OR A
WEAN ?"
28) Being unusually ill-tempered...
"LIKE A BEAR WITH A
SORE ARSE"
27) The breakfast cereal of Facists...
"I LIKE A WEE BOWL
OF MOSELI IN THE MORNING"
26) Having additional responsibility...
"THE WHOLE SHABOODLE"
25) Japan's secret weapon from WW2...
"THOSE GUYS WHO KILLED
THEMSELVES IN PLANES...KAWASAKIS"
24) Suggesting that someone may not
be fully in charge of the situation...
"IF YOU'D BEEN ON TOP
OF THE BALL"
23) In quick succession...
"RINKY DINK DINK"
22) Thinking on your feet : EXAMPLE
1
"IF YOU WANT A SNAP
DECISION, I'LL NEED TO GET BACK TO YOU"
21) Thinking on your feet : EXAMPLE
2
"OFF THE TOP OF MY
HEAD...THE ANSWER IS I DON'T KNOW"
20) Maybe it's hyphenated
"I KNOW THE TIME'S
UP BUT I ONLY WANT TO ADD ONE WORD...CUSTOMER PARTNERSHIP"
19) You've succinctly understood
my meaning...
"YOU'VE HIT IT RIGHT
ON THE NAIL"
18) Ill-defined...
"IT'S A BIT HAIRY FAIRY"
17) Unreliable equipment...
"UP AND DOWN LIKE THE
DUSTY BLUEBELLS"
16) A new form of exercise...
"ROBOTICS"
15) One of the more exotic holiday
destinations...
"SCIATICA?....WHERE'S
THAT ?"
14) A true man of the 90s...
"I'M NOT A MALE SHELVINIST"
13) Things are running well...
"HOKEY DORY"
12) Requesting a report with some
urgency...
"I NEED THIS A.S.P."
11) Cleaning the Collector stack...
"WE'RE GOING TO SWAP
DOWN THE FURNACES"
10) Doing some clever logistical
planning...
"WE'RE GOING TO BOX-FANCY
ON THIS ONE"
9) Showing solidarity by agreeing
to...
"SIGN A PARTITION"
8) Communicating to the lower
levels...
"WE NEED TO GET THIS
DOWN TO THE DOMINIONS"
7) A common problem...
"THIS IS A RUN-OF-THE-MILLER"
6) Establishing who the experts
are...
"WELL, YOU GUYS ARE
THE GUROS"
5) Trying in vain to reproduce
a fault...
"WE JUST CAN'T STIMULATE
THIS PROBLEM"
4) One of the lesser known
elements on the Periodic table...
"ANTINOMY"
3) Surveying the outstanding
sunset from the 11th tee at Gourock...
"LOOK AT THE LOVELY
MANANA"
2) That well-known star of
screen and stage
"DANNY DEVINO"
1) Grappling with the finer
points of verbal interplay
"I DON'T WANT TO GET
BOGGED DOWN IN CERAMICS"
Davy McQueen